To my little one,
People always said that becoming a Mother is one of most beautiful and joyous feelings in the world. However, what they forget to say is that the journey isn’t always as pleasant.
My little one.. I have a confession to make to you
When your father and I realized we were going to be parents, our joy knew no bounds. The happiness and love we felt was something that I can’t describe. We felt that this feeling would last forever. Alas, that wasn’t the case.
The 9 month long journey was no cake walk - the daily morning sickness; not being able to eat; the tiredness and low endurance levels - all these health issues being amplified by the lull of long and drab days of bed rest.
Finally the day came when I felt that this was all going to change. I would finally be able to see you, to hold you. I went into labour and had a C-section. I was under anaesthesia and couldn’t see you for 4-5 hours after your birth. And when I did, I couldn’t believe that the moment was right there, I was holding you in my arms. The moment that everyone spoke about so much.
Everyone came to see you from the family and seemed really happy. But I was in so much pain because of the surgery that I didn’t even want to hold you for long, nor was I able to sit or sleep or eat. Nobody had prepared me for this and again all the frustration of it started to build.
We got you home and soon I started feeling suffocated. My life was revolving around you and the four walls of the house with no sleep, no fresh air to breathe. A disconnect with you started to creep in and it made me feel guilty as I couldn’t help how I felt. My lifestyle had changed significantly and it seemed like the opposite of what everyone described the feeling of motherhood to be. One day blended into the next and everyday became a: Feed-Sleep-Change-Repeat.
Am I bad mother? Am I allowed to feel this way? Can someone hear my thoughts? What kind of mother am I, if I can’t even feel love for you? All these questions were popping in my head 24x7 and it started to eat me up.
I started to take some time out alone as all I wanted was to have my life back the way it was earlier. I’d go on walks or find some work outside the house and if either didn’t work out I’d spend some more time in the bathroom. Few days maybe weeks passed like this. But little did I know this time away made me start missing you. Your smell. Your soft skin. Your innocent eyes. Holding you. Cradling you. It made me worry about you. Were you alright? Were you sleeping? I slowly started feeling more of a responsibility and an attachment.
And one day while I was out for a walk and a gush of emotions took over me. All I could think about was holding you against me. Your were mine! God had given my body the ability to create you and you had turned out so perfect. The minute I reached home I looked at you and you were staring right back at me in a hope that was asking - “I came into this world connected to you. I trust you mom and that’s why I am here in front of you and you are doubting yourself?” with a precious little toothless grin.
I started to smile and cry at the same time. I felt like I wasn’t even living before I had you.
Finally I understood what people meant when they said parenthood is a crucible that not only changes you but also shows you what you're truly capable of. It requires a deep commitment and the willingness to keep going regardless of the circumstance. I almost felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
And as the days went by, I started loving you more and more, deeper and deeper. Your sweet little smiles, you holding my finger and your tinie tiny yawns. You won my heart by just being you. Nothing seemed like a chore anymore. I looked forward to every new thing you did.
There’s nothing in this world that’s more important to me than you. You truly make my life seem more purposeful and make me want to be a better person everyday for you.
I write this letter to you today so that you know that I am not always Perfect. And just like me you too will face many challenges in your life and to see the light at the end of the tunnel you may have to go through darkness first. But we are capable of much more than we can imagine.
I look forward to an exciting and fulfilling journey ahead with you, the one that began with you holding my finger to me holding yours.
I love you my little one.